Suicidal

That night I had just finished a double shift, it was three in the morning. The voices had haunted me throughout the day and the medication itself was no longer working. I went to lay down that late Sunday morning and the moment I closed my eyes I was awoken by the sight of a dead body laying next to me in the most gruesome of form.

I got up and went to the computer to listen to some Gospel music and that only made things worst. I heard the voices through the electronic line amplified beyond my comprehension casting their accusations and guilt. Burdening my tired frame with shame and regret. They played their tricks and though I knew better fell into the trap of isolated fear.

I sooner realized that I wanted to give up and just go home to God. I reached for the bottle of Aspirin and strung out as many pills as I possibly could. The voices began taunting me with tempations and doubts that I wasn’t man enough to accomplish the deed. With tears streaming I began to lift my hand towards my mouth until a voice interrupted me claiming to be my angel and speaking words into my life that were beyond my given intellectual capacity. But when the voice left, the taunting returned and I lost connection with the hope that was inspired in me just a few moments ago. I took the pills. This was 2-3 years ago.

Now that I have a healthy state of mind and a consistent medication use that provides protection and safety against these voices and images, I still fall under the trap of suicidal thoughts. Whether it be worrying about the state of my relationship with my fiance, losing a job or beginning a new business the anxiety takes over and I become cornered in my thoughts to just end it all.

My doctor simply said, “Your condition is not unique. It’s like having arthritis, despite the amount of medications you take to sustain your health and strength the feeling of pain will still be there. The suicidal thoughts will always be there. It’s up to you to decide how you will manage them and fight to succeed in your life. Living and hoping for a better future.”

I fight because I have priorities. I fight because I’m in love and have gained mutual respect with the partner I’m with. I fight because I do not want to dissapoint my family or friends with the idealogy that I was too weak to go on and contest these struggles.

If I have any amount or discernable advice to give it is but a cliche of terms, “don’t give up”. Don’t surrender your life to regret or shame because who you were then is not who you are now and who you were then should not dictate the behaviors or feelings of who you are now. Don’t give into the enemy. He will attack you when the awareness of your potential being reached is present. Don’t give up

Cents or Sense?

Whatever it takes to make a profit these days. Money is the single and sole thing that matters to anyone in this world today. If it doesn't make cents it don't make sense.

Everyone wants to be loved?

Everyone wants to be loved, but not everyone will know what love truly is. Those who don't know what love is will say they want nothing to do with love because once upon a time, someone used love's name to falsify their hidden motives. Those who know what love is, know that love is worth waiting for and have learned when it is and is not necessary to be vulnerable. Everyone wants to be loved, but not everyone see's love the same way or calls it by it's same name. Some have called love wealth. Others have called love reputation. Few have called love status and there are those who have called love success. Everyone wants to be loved, but not everyone will know what true love is. It's important that when you seek to be loved, that you are willing to love and what you consider to be love can be reciprocated back to you. Otherwise, what you call love differing from what the other has decided to call love, can create confusion, pain and regret.. regret to that esteemed desire you once held dear.

Intelligence?

Sadly, the world bases intelligence on the amount of things one has instead of upon the amount of things one has done.

Past, Present, Future

His name was Past, 

And he loved a woman named Future. 

Things did not last, 

As Future met Present, a man who'd suit her. 

Future forgot about Past,

Spent her days with Present. 

But Past became envious,

And thought of things which would not be regretted. 

For Past knew all guilt, 

All the shame and wicked trials. 

Past knew the neglect, the pain and things vile. 

So Past decided that he would make things right, 

And made mockery of Future, hoping to change Present's sights.

But Present had a different heart, 

A different mind and well being. 

Present was a man who saw the inside of what was worth seeing. 

And though Future begged Past,

To let go and be free of such strife

"You are hurting me" said Future,

But Past replied, "So? I've been hurt all my life!"

Present with a smile, touched the face of their love,

And calmly spoke, "Past will not hold me back from what's been blessed by above"

To this Future smiled,

Her heart calm and tamed.

Telling Past, "You can keep the regret and guilt, for things have changed"

Trust?

We come across a lot of liars in our personal experiences. Our bosses may lie about our shifts, raises or even pay on our cheque. Our friends may lie about who they are, what they mean and intend to do. Our families may lie about certain stability, our relative bonds and how they see us. We are lied to in relationships with promises to never let go, never to harm and always being at our sides. Even we lie to those we care for and love at times when telling the truth might just be a little more difficult or hard to bare. It's also not easy letting someone else take control of who we are and what we seek to accomplish. No wonder when it comes to trusting God that we tend to be met with fear which leads to doubt, to backsliding and eventually unbelief. God calls us to trust Him in a world that expresses trust so apathetically. Trusting God is part of the renewal process. Allowing Him to change our hearts and minds on the conditions of trust and braving the opportunity to comply with His word over our life. Letting God in is not just a choice, but a determination. Knowing that God is not a worldly being who turns our vulnerability into a moment of pain, but allowing trust for God to set aside worldly standards and expectations. Allowing that trust for God to truly make a difference in our lives. Trust God, with everything in you. He won't let you down once you've surrendered your life, your existence and soul to Him. Trusting God is not just a tide of words but there's a responsibility of action on our part. We have to act on the belief that God is in control, and confirm that belief through spirit and word. Trust Him beyond the pain, beyond the let downs and disappointments. He's more than any of that could possibly amount to, and the best part about trusting God is there are no regrets. God Bless.

Michan Carter, “Relation Ships” Right Voices/ Right Choices

“The strength of a voice is built on time and trust” – Michahn Carter

No matter what we know about evil, if there’s a voice you trust you will falter to it. Influences can build you up, or bring you down. Bring out the best, or bring out the worst in you. Who you surround yourself with and give your time and trust to reflects your actions. What you think on, you will act on.

“To know if the advice you receive is Godly, you have to read the bible. It doesn’t matter if the bible is confusing or difficult to read, it wasn’t meant to be understood the first time around. If you understood the bible the first time you read it, you’d never read it again. But reading again, is like layers to an onion. You’re going to be around alot of people who give “advice” T.V shows, your friends, your family.. everybody has advice, reading your bible will make sure it’s the advice you need.”

“When people say “Only God can judge me” they are usually doing something they shouldn’t. But if someone punched another in the face, can they be saved with “only God can judge me?” I won’t let pride get in the way of learning something new. If it matches God’s word, it’s a chance for me to change. If it doesn’t match God’s word, I don’t have to consider their opinion. Will their age, being younger or older effect their advice? We will be wise for “some times” in our life, not “all our life”. Don’t let status or reputation or age interfere with wise living. And to be sure of that is to invite Godly individuals who live by God’s word into my life.”

“Negative people don’t speak to your potential, they speak to the now. Observational communicators only notice the obvious. “You have a pimple”, “Thanks, thanks I didn’t know”. We need people to help us see the good. There’s going to be good and bad things, but I want to be focused on the positive. It doesn’t mean I’ll be unrealistic about negative things, but not let negative things consume me because all I’ll be is bitter and destructive.”

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