Monday, 31 December 2012

Resolve to My Resolutions

“3, 2, 1.. happy new year!” they shouted and kissed. “Ew” says a child that I hear whom is utterly disgusted by the display of warranted affection. I smile before shifting my way through the crowd, spontaneous to the events that beheld.
“Happy new year man” says a fellow stranger, drunken with joy and beer. I nod. As I shift along I see individuals crying, some with candle and others with partner. Indeed, remembering those we’ve lost in this and past years embarks upon the renown affirmation; we made it and shall honor them in continuance. I look away and continue to venture down my crooked path. Where am I going? It’s unclear, even to my knowledge that I’ve honed this coming year. “Resolutions” I mutter to myself in surprise. Had this been the inconsequential thought which had guided me since now? What of them? I had none and I would feel rather unwise to start assuming I did.
I stop to a street corner where the crowd had thinned. I take my place at the corner of a wall with my breath bleeding into the cold air. “Resolutions” I say again, this time with effort to ponder. This year I had loved and lost. I had become homeless. Hospitalized 4 times and diagnosed twice. I’ve yet to attain close friendships or build strong family ties. I’ve sought myself into the areas of writing. Novels, movie scripts and blogs; yet I’ve still failed to succeed. I’ve been in spiritual warefares that have begotten me in my weaknesses. Such intersessions that have changed my view of God, Heaven and self. Where I was following into the charms of “cast Satan out” I sooner realized that our ideologies of his deception were mere fantasy. He is untimely and unquestionably superior to our knowledge and strategy. Had it been but a moments notice too late I would have been..
“Sigh” What do I expect of myself this year? Success? But what kind of success? From whom? Who would care to idle in their patience at my advertisements of  assumed talent? Health? I have that.. After this years dreadful bout with evil, I was once a weak follower. A man who knew little of the powers that be. Love? I’ve yet to give up on that notion, the true essence of care and mutuality. The kind of romance that is inspired by spontaneous acts of kindness and appreciation. Where arguments are few but within the degree of mutual respect and, of course, honor. But to hope for that in this new year is futile. I’ve learned that kindness in a man can be taken for weakness and the world devours those susceptible to its advantages. I will rather wait on God’s honest submission otherwise fall to my weaknesses.
“Resolutions..” I say as I shift on that corner stone. Indeed, a corner stone once forgotten. But now is not the time.. or is it?
Someone shouts in the off setting of the crowd bringing me back to reality. A worldly adventure indeed it is, to have a resolution. But a godly venture it is, to aspire to the things of Heavenly acceptance. I shuffle back over to the crowd and muster one last word, “I suppose I have none this year.”

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